small sacrifices

Much of parenting young children and teens is made up of small sacrifices: forgoing minutes or hours of sleep when they are babies; forfeiting time and treasure to support their interests; disadvantaging our agenda to deeply listen to and attend to their needs. Sometimes, the requirement is small; other times, a complete surrender of self is called for. There is no promised moment of acknowledgment where the reward or pay-off is felt. Rather, child-rearing is more akin to becoming what ecologist call a ‘nurse log.’

As a parent-nurse log, you lay down and surrender, so that new life is sourced. When a nursing log falls down, it allows more light to emanate into the space where it once stood. If accomplished, as you fall, you illuminate more; as you decay, you bestow an unending and ample supply of nutrients and energy so that new saplings can form and mature to their intended height and beauty.  Interestingly, when a tree is standing only about 5% of it is living material.  But when it falls, it transforms completely from a tree to a log. The tree resurrects into a fresh life and now contains 5 times as much living matter than before. (National Public Radio station KUOW, 3/21/2012).  The tree is utterly altered into beautiful, rich, organic material--- ready to spawn a new generation through the sacrifice of its body.

Nurse logs not only give water and nutrients, but they offer disease protection.  An article in Nature, (2010, Volume 466, pp. 752-755) reveals that soil pathogens in certain forest communities are hostile to a specific tree species. These disease-producing microorganisms appear to congregate in the neighborhood of that species, and may impede seedling growth. Nurse logs provide a protective barrier from these pathogens, and increase seedling survivorship.  How Joyous! We both nurture and protect.

Over time, the new younger trees start growing larger than the nurse log and nothing of the old tree is left. It loses all of its original “definition,” it’s body. Finally, the nurse log is completely gone, leaving only the roots that were once wound around and through the nurse log.  Last year, overnight, I left my job, my home, my community because my daughter was gravely ill. She spent a total of 4 months in a hospital in far away cities. I left my job so quickly that my computer was still on when I returned 4 months later....completely changed, completely emptied for the cause.

According to naturalist Larry Daloz of Whidbey Island, WA: "One thing I think about when I look at a nurse log like this is that after it falls, the soil it leaves behind is much richer than what was there before, and maybe that would be a great way to live. May our legacy that we leave behind be richer than what we found when we came." (NPR station KUOW). 

And that is humbling as a parent.  My daughter's life is much richer now; she is stronger, braver, lighter, her laugh is true and deep.

And that is why we make the steady stream of small sacrifices.

The Mother's Day Report Card: Acknowledging Invisible Labor

This spring, I watched with great pride and admiration as my children brought home stellar reports cards and received glowing remarks from their teachers; my husband received the same during his annual review at work. I am a stay-at-home mom now, after 14 years as a sociology professor, and I thought, “Where is my report card? When do mothers get evaluated and their good work acknowledged?”

So, this year for Mother’s Day, I have asked my family to make me a report card, to literally create one on the computer with all the pertinent categories (outlined below) and then give me some grade and a narrative report (I want the real deal!). Just coming up with the myriad categories for them to use was an instructive exercise for me; even I was unaware how much invisible labor I accomplish on a daily or weekly basis.

In any given family (or community or organization), it is wise to consider what works needs to get done for the household to run well and then divide it up fairly amongst family members. It seems best to play on people’s strengths and utilize their particular talents. This method works to some extent, but there is always a residual category that is called invisible labor, which includes repetitive tasks that are unpaid, usually undervalued, and most often done by women. Invisible labor is denoted as such because it goes largely unnoticed by those who benefit most from it. Invisible labor also includes mental and emotional work, which are inherently obscured.

Here is a list of examples of invisible labor: Remembering to make (and keep) doctor, dentist, eye doctor, and veterinary appointments for each member of the family; Arranging for playdates for children, and making time to get to know the parents/mothers of said playdates; Remembering that the car/van inspection is due this month and scheduling the appointment; Buying thank-you cards for teachers, grandparents, etc and then supervising children actually writing those thank you cards; Noticing that the cable bill is wrong and spending 25 minutes on hold waiting to talk to the cable company; Keeping up correspondence with out of town extended family members (sending out photos of kids; alternatively, updating the family blog); Reminding the children to take their vitamins, allergy medicine, etc; Sensing that something is wrong with your children at school, and spending an afternoon or two trying to figure out what it is.

Invisible labor alone deserves its own report card; the women who do invisible labor deserve to brought into the light and their work openly acknowledged as a important part of the running of any household (or any organization for that matter). Imagine for a minute what would happen if all the mothers in the world or women in general ceased- even for just ONE day- doing all their hidden tasks? I do not think it is too drastic to say that some households, communities, and organizations might literally stop functioning.

So, if you choose to make you mom a Mother’s Day Report card, here are some categories to consider (not in any particular order). Each category carries with it some invisible labor.
A) Food-related: cooking, grocery shopping, lunch-making or remembering to update lunch money at school.
B) Housecleaning: vacuum, dust, bathrooms, kitchen, basement, etc. etc.
C) Laundry: washing, putting away, changing sheets regularly.
D) Outside: gardening, growing food, herbs, flowers.
E) Health: scheduling doctor/dentist/eye doctor visits; taking children to them, scheduling exercise for family, cooking whole foods.
F) Stuff: buying household stuff (i.e. clothes for kids, towels for the bathroom), getting rid of stuff (i.e. organizing yard sales), cleaning out stuff.
G) Community Work: scheduling playdates, dinners with other families, making phone calls.
H) Activities: children’s sports, activities, family events, birthday parties.
I) Repairs: household, autos, items.
J) Vehicles: repair, maintenance, filling with gasoline.
K) Love: snuggling, reading books, playing catch.
L) Other: things that only your mother does.

Honor your mom or the women in your life today with a glowing report card! Better yet, decide which chores you can take over for her this year!